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[Sean M Cary]

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my SERK?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to entice my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,6'6" martial arts instructor in the Marine Corps, who PT's everyday, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun (several actually, in a number of gauges and configurations, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi mosque in Fallujah. When my Agent Orange Gulf War 1 syndrome starts acting up, the voices (twolane?) in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Fired00d]

I've had the older version on my 'fridge since my daughter was in preschool. Also told her when a date came to pick her up I would have my guns laid out cleaning them. When he was introduced I'd engrave his name in a bullet and put it back on the table, and when he asked what that was about I'd explain it was for him if he did anything out of line w/my daughter.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

[Sean M Cary]

I've had the older version on my 'fridge since my daughter was in preschool. Also told her when a date came to pick her up I would have my guns laid out cleaning them. When he was introduced I'd engrave his name in a bullet and put it back on the table, and when he asked what that was about I'd explain it was for him if he did anything out of line w/my daughter.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

I did a search to see if it was posted already and was surprised it wasn't...good stuff.

[miker]

I told mine to pick the next one better since I took the 1st one fishing....tradgedy it was.....fell right in to the chum grinder. 

[Hugh Janis]

I told mine to pick the next one better since I took the 1st one fishing....tradgedy it was.....fell right in to the chum grinder. 

Can a tragic accident be justified?  In this case, yes, no question.  I'm really struggling with my gorgeous 19 year old blond daughter having a boyfriend.  She's away at school, what's a Dad to do?

[Sean M Cary]

Can a tragic accident be justified?  In this case, yes, no question.  I'm really struggling with my gorgeous 19 year old blond daughter having a boyfriend.  She's away at school, what's a Dad to do?

tracking and monitoring equipment, web cam and shock collars come to mind...

[Fired00d]

tracking and monitoring equipment, web cam and shock collars come to mind...

I was going to say trust her and communicate a lot, but I like Sean's idea better.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

[miker]

At 19 it is differnet..
Mine was 16 and that creep was 20, nfw...She is 19 now and has a different creep, I am powerless...Sold my boat...
He knows where he stands with me after I had a talk with him....I have friends that can help with "pest control".

[Sean M Cary]

I was going to say trust her and communicate a lot, but I like Sean's idea better.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

trust but verify, with positive contact and the ability to inflict pain on short notice...

[Fired00d]

At 19 it is differnet..
Mine was 16 and that creep was 20, nfw...She is 19 now and has a different creep, I am powerless...Sold my boat...
He knows where he stands with me after I had a talk with him....I have friends that can help with "pest control".

Had a similar situation mine was 18 and he was 23. She never told me until she went away to school, and the the chithead was scared to come meet us (parents). Needless to say I have the means to find out things about people (legally and illegally), and I wanted it him to know he was being "investigated". He didn't like that to well and finally came to meet us. She finally got over the worthless piece of scum that wouldn't work in a pie shop for any length of time and cut him loose. The last time I saw him was when he tried to come to my house after she'd broken up w/him to talk... just picture a 6'3" 280lb Dad swollen because some worthless piece of chit is trying to get into the house to see his "baby" daughter. It wasn't a pretty picture and I think he was a little surprised of the "stiff arm" he got when he tried to walk inside the house.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

[hunter]

My rule is anyone wanting to date my daughter has to go hunting for a day with me first.  I like to show them how much I enjoy gutting a deer.  Specially when I pull the guts out with my hand and tell them about hunting accidents 

[Fired00d]

trust but verify, with positive contact and the ability to inflict pain on short notice...

Sorta like the "stiff arm" I mentioned above.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d
 

[Hugh Janis]

When I dropped her off Sunday, he was there.  When I said bye I shook his hand and told him to keep his hands off my girl.  He said, "I promise".  I guess I have to trust.

I like Mikers idea better.  I should get a boat.  Only trouble is, he's a good guy and she really likes him.  I'm just not ready to share yet.  Is that being selfish?

[Hugh Janis]

Had a similar situation mine was 18 and he was 23. She never told me until she went away to school, and the the chithead was scared to come meet us (parents). Needless to say I have the means to find out things about people (legally and illegally), and I wanted it him to know he was being "investigated". He didn't like that to well and finally came to meet us. She finally got over the worthless piece of scum that wouldn't work in a pie shop for any length of time and cut him loose. The last time I saw him was when he tried to come to my house after she'd broken up w/him to talk... just picture a 6'3" 280lb Dad swollen because some worthless piece of chit is trying to get into the house to see his "baby" daughter. It wasn't a pretty picture and I think he was a little surprised of the "stiff arm" he got when he tried to walk inside the house.

 
Ride Safe,
Fired00d

dayum Gary.  She must be the motherly type who saw him as a project
 

[hunter]

When I dropped her off Sunday, he was there.  When I said bye I shook his hand and told him to keep his hands off my girl.  He said, "I promise".  I guess I have to trust.

I like Mikers idea better.  I should get a boat.  Only trouble is, he's a good guy and she really likes him.  I'm just not ready to share yet.  Is that being selfish?

Next time you shake his hand, make sure his finger tips are white like paper.  A hard squeeze of hand is always a good reminder that you can and will inflict pain if needed.