Howdy CVO HARLEY Family and Friends,
It is with much gratitude I write to you today. Delta, Rocky & Miss Debbie, Tomahawk & Debbie came here to visit and Sue and I really enjoyed the company. MikeyT, HowieGH, CaptGary, JohnTN as well as Mud who called me a couple days back and just as he stated, I am feeling down a bit. I'd really like to say I had it all together, but the simple truth is, I feel like a rung out dishrag. You know, the twisted and dried in place dishrag that even after it is moved it maintains it's deformed shape.
I try to brake loose of this feeling and it seems the more I try the deeper it gets, yup, that old down deep dark and dirty is back. It sucks the wind out of my sails and days, weeks go by at a time. Not sure how long it's been this time around, but I can only blame myself. I stopped taking 6 or 8 different pills a day (cold turkey) and didn't tell my Doc's because I knew they would want me back on them. Yesterday after talking to one of my Doctors, guess what, she told me to go back on at least the happy pill. lol. And wouldn't you know it! One of the pills I stopped was a happy pill. As it turns out, cold turkey isn't the recommended way to stop. Last night I started it up again. Half dose at a time for a week then up to the full dose. O'Boy!!
Two months ago I had a double dose of radiation to my chest from three different angles and that was done Mon - Fri. Thankfully the pain was greatly diminished in my left chest, shoulder and arm that was nearly useless. I had a ct-scan on my chest area done yesterday for an after comparison view. I'm not sure if another radiation zap will be in the works or not, but I see my Oncologist and Radiation Oncologist next week.
As you know I'm not on curative care any more. What I get from the Doc's now is aimed for comfort care (palliative care). That change is just that, a change, but a Big One! lol One thought that keeps banging me side the head is, if I wasn't sitting in the chemo room or on the radiation table or the waiting rooms, that space would be filled by some other poor sap, but most likely that someone would be getting Curative care, not just palliative care like me. I find this part of the mix the hardest to deal with. Next to seeing young kids and all the courage and life I can see in their eyes. I guess another part that is very difficult for me is fact that so many of the other Veterans I've met in the past three years that have been getting treatment during their fight against cancer are now passed away. Sometimes it feels like a twisted way of playing tag you're it. I do know that we all will have our turn at being the one who is "it". But, being terminal changes the rules a bit. Like I have said before many times, "I'm not giving up, or giving in, I'm giving over!". I have handed the control over to God and I can say if I don't interrupt His handling of things, life is much more pleasant.
The last couple months I have felt like a city on the hill under siege being held by a five prong attack. I won't bore you guys with the details of the five sides of these attacks I am battling against. I don't have a death wish, but I am getting tired and would like a rest, a long rest. Well, that's when I get to thinking I need to just stand up, be a man and stop my whining. I have been sleeping more and even sleep has become a juggling act. If I sleep to late in the morning I feel an afternoon nap is out of the question. When I get up earlier in the day an afternoon nap feels so good, but if my nap is to long I end up awake all night. lol
Sue is hanging in there extremely well. She has to help me now in ways that neither of us ever expected. Our rides are more in a cage this summer and less on the two or three wheeled transports. lol Believe it or not, as a result of not snapping back after the long winter this summer like I have the two previous summers, I have been in the wind catching bugs with my teeth this year less than I have in any other year of my past. I have thought about riding my bicycles as a kid and I think I rode more miles peddling my bikes than the low odometer readings I have on the Ultra and Tri-glide combined this year.
Today, is the first day in 5 that hasn't been raining, so, the mold breaks today, Sue and I are going to take a ride. Short or not, but sweet indeed.
Well, so long for now
Be well, Be blessed
Sam aka chappy
Author
Topic: I might be down, but I'm not out! (Read 249481 times)