From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." When Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Merry Christmas Ya-All........
Author
Topic: Heads up for next Christmas (Read 625 times)