AP, UPI, UPS, FEDEX: In a stunning story today several members of the United States Senate today shocked their original constituencies by joining with shocking new allies on a startling policy initiative. Led by bad-ass motorcycle riding Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts these Senators crossed the poltical divide between the AMA (American Motorcyclists Association) and the AGSA (American Genetics Studies Association). In a statement for the media Senator Kerry announced that this new Senate rump group would from this day forward look for legislation that supported their "Dense Hat" initiative.
"Dense Hat" (immediately dubbed "Dunce Dome" by Senators in opposition) "will work to bring about a freeing of the American spirit for motorcycle riders" said Senator Kerry while "guaranteeing a thickening of their skulls." The new initiative seeks to bridge and unusal alliance between AMA's long desired federal requirement banning helmet laws in the individual states and AGSA's goal of funding genetic research. Senator Kerry explained that he believed the two goals could be combined into language that would eliminate any need for motorcycle helmets by funding genetic research whose goal is to make motorcycle rider's heads so damned hard that helmets become redundant and unnecessary.
The environmental lobby, unfortunately, is opposed to this new initiative because of the possible new damage done to trees and spotted owls by motorcyclist's newly hardened heads. Trotting out their new slogan "Trees before brains" an environmental lobbyist pronounced, "what, where's the bar at this event anyway?"