Biker 201
As listed on
www.ironharley.comor: How to hide the fact that you are a RUB
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For those who don't know, RUB = Rich Urban Biker / wanna be
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O.K., so, you are a RUB. So what? No big deal. I don't give a crap but you just might. If you want to know how to keep "real" bikers from instantly picking you out of the crowd as a RUB I have listed below a few simple steps to help you hide it. I'm not giving away all the secrets here but this should keep those "real" bikers from busting you at 100 paces. Now they will have to wait until you start talking.
(Yes, this is largely a joke but the tips are real if you need them)
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1) Be sure to read my "Biker 101" page.
2) Don't wear a leather jacket, chaps, bandana, boots, gloves, sunglasses ensemble that were all bought the same day and still have the gum from the price tags on them. Break that crap in before going to the run, bar, rally or brunch. You can do this by dragging those leathers behind your Nissan/BMW/Porsche/Audi/Mercedes/bike trailer for about 20 miles of dirt road. Low water crossings and cow pastures add extra style points.
3) Don't fill the above mentioned jacket with 30 patches from the first swap meet or rally you go to. Get a couple and let them age a while before adding more. If you notice that they aren't aging well, leave your jacket in the back yard (patches side up) in the sun for a few weeks. This will simulate ride time fairly well and should start fading those patches nicely.
4) Avoid GQ brand clothing. Isotoner ride gloves, Gucci boots and Rolex watches are about the same as a neon sign.
5) Find somebody to put some miles on your bike for you. Nothing says RUB like a 3 month old bike with 120 miles on the odometer.
6) Find some bugs in your manicured lawn or floating in your swimming pool's filter and smash them onto your headlight, fairing, chaps and full face helmet. This will make your bike look like it has been ridden at least a few miles at speeds above 40mph.
7) Hide your cell phone and only use it inside a broom closet.
Take at least half of the aftermarket, useless, custom-right-off-of-the-shelf chrome crap off of your bike. If you can't quite talk yourself into getting rid of all your shiny, aftermarket, bolt on, bike weights, take them into your garage and build a shrine to Arlen Ness.
9) Never let anyone see you taking your bike off of the trailer before the run/rally/board meeting. I know it will be hard but take it off of the trailer at least 10 miles away and actually RIDE it where you are going. Be strong, you can do it, I have faith in you.
10) Buy a book with lots of details on Harleys and STUDY IT HARD. Nothing is going to make you look more like a RUB than telling a "real" biker that his FL is one of the nicest Low Riders you have ever seen or calling an Evo/Lehman trike a Servicar.
11) Just before arriving at the run/rally/high tea, reach down on your drive chain and get a little bit of dirty oil and mash it up underneath your manicured finger nails. Then rub a little bit somewhere on your arm and somewhere on your shirt or pants. This gives the illusion that you did some sort of maint. on your bike...yourself.
12) Go buy a wrench and leave it hanging part way out of your back pocket. This works best if you scratch it up first so it looks like it has been used at least once. This works even better if you actually know some part of you bike that the wrench you bought fits. That way you can sound "cool" when you casually mention that your _______ got a little loose on you on the way down but other than that it was an easy ride. (Don't mention that the "ride" was from the high dollar hotel down the road where your trailer is parked)
Number 12 advanced: Just before arriving, take that wrench and loosen something. NOT A WHEEL OR BRAKES OR OTHER DANGEROUS ITEM. Try something like an air filter cover or a blinker. Don't take it off all the way. Just loosen it about a half a turn. That way when you pull up you can look at it, jiggle it a bit, say something intelligent like "aha!" and then break out your trusty wrench and tighten it up. That will REALLY make you look like "real" biker. Seeing you actually WORKING on your bike will go a LONG way to impressing those 1%ers.
And last but not least good ol' lucky number 13. The biggie.
13) This is the ultimate in de-RUB-ing yourself. This is definitely for the advanced student. Do NOT do this until you are sure you are ready. O.K., here goes:
GO RIDE YOUR &@%$# bike until your butt gets sore every chance you get. Someday in the not TOO distant future you will catch yourself looking at some guy on his brand new bike and saying to yourself "damn RUB". Congratulations. You just got your diploma.
Ride safe,
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Topic: Biker 201 (Read 1817 times)