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[tommyo]

Thank you. your very kind. I'll keep punchin'!

[SirMichael]

 You always say, "when in dought, gas it", so lets ride

 I'm ready, Lets ride ride ride

 I wanna ride, I wanna ride

 
    Lets Ride

  Waiting

[tommyo]

Your messed up dude! See ya in an hour....

[ccr]

Tommy, you've gotten a lot of great advice already.  Just know we will do our best to listen to you when you need ears.  Feel the cyber hug being sent your way. 

For me, I can't even imagine living the the men I used to be with - more than 25 years ago.  I am so happy with the one I'm with now.  It truly does get better.  So sorry you are having to endure the pain and agony now.  Especially when there just does not seem to be any good reason why you are going through it. 

 

[BalDeagle]

Hi Tommy - sorry to hear of the pain you are going through at the moment. There are lot's of heartfelt comments on here that are expressed by folk who have gone through the pain and torment you are suffering now. One thing is for sure, nobody else's experiences can lessen the hurt, but if you take some of the good advice I am sure that it will help you along the road to a new and happy life.

One thing I would recommend would be to talk to some of your riding buddies and put together a plan for a road trip away. The planning and preparation will give you a new focus and the expectation of taking a holiday with your bros will boost your moral.

Hang in there Tommy and remenber we are only here for a short time so grab the HOG by the horns and ride!

Nige

[altugo]

Hey Tommy your free as a bird!!
Get out there party like hell and get some new girlfirends. 

[SPIDERMAN]

How to cope... my wife is leaving me after nearly 17 years of marrige. Been together 24+ years. Her heart is not in it anymore. I'm lost and in the dark. Could use a few friends.

Tommy O

Tommy,
           I have watched countless friends go through divorces. My advice is this. 1st things first. If there is no hope, if this is truly it then get on with it. Don't make the divorce any harder than it has to be. Hire a lawyer and tell him you don't want to get screwed over by her nor do you want to try to get even with her so lay all your cards on the table and listen to what he/she tells you to expect if you were to let things go so far that it had to be settled by a judge. Looking from afar at my friends who battled tooth and nail with their ex - - -- they ended up giving up several years of their lives to be where they could have been by simply removing their emotions from the business side of the divorce. As to the emotional side, it's been said that for many people, divorce is almost like death. Again, I can't speak to that but I would think if you looked at it that way and grieved for your loss and then moved on it would make sense. At the end of the day, if she doesn't want to be there, then there's no sense in the marriage anyway.
        As to starting over ?  My sense of that is this. There are a lot of women looking for a responsible guy earning a decent living without drug or alcohol problems. The fact that you love Harleys means you also know how to kick back and enjoy life. Believe me this is why a lot of married guys end up in trouble because there are women looking for the above and some of them don't care if they take it from someone else. Now I'm not advocating that type of woman, but my point is you may find your market value to be a lot higher than I imagine you're feeling long about now.
        Last thing is this. Let yourself get down in the dumps. Don't fight it as it only prolongs or delays it. Scream, cry, break a few things, get blind drunk whatever helps you vent. Get it out, all of it and then pick your ass up off the ground and start again with the attitude that you've got a chance to maybe do it better than you did the first time. That maybe this might actually be a blessing in disguise.

That's my $0.02

B B

[REGGAB]

WOW!  This digs up bones.  I knew my first marriage was over when I returned from my first tour in Korea in 1990.  Ex was pregnant.  Sorta hard to do that from 9K miles away.  Anyway, time wasn't on my side.  No sooner had I returned to Ft. Campbell, and I was on a C5 headed to Saudi Arabia to participate in the first quelling of the butcher of Baghdad.  Was able to get the divorce ball rolling from over there, but it was quite difficult.  Imagine going through a divorce while trying to lead troops in combat.
Stayed single for 6 years.  Then, one day, I ran into this perky little ball of energy in the Dairy Queen in Clarksville, TN.  I had long since given up, and was completely happy being single.  Man, did she knock me for a loop.  One month later Renea and I were married.
Here it is, over 11 years later............and I don't think there is any possible way I could be happier.
My point is, God says, "this too, shall pass."  Believe it!  I know it is very hard, and trust me.........I know the hurt, and the difficulty of trying to focus on what you need to do, but it will get better.

We're praying for you Bro.

[tommyo]

Thanks again for all the great advice. SirMichael103 and I did a lot of ridin' this weekend. I did a little on my own at nite too. Need time to clear my head. My kid got invited to go camping with friends for the weekend. They thought it might be nice to get her away from our inviorment. She is having a blast. My wife didn't stay at the house this weekend because she thought it would be best for me not to see her much. She is probably right. I follow her around here like a lost puppy. I talk to her on the phone maybe 1-2 times a day just to check in about our arrangements and the dogs. I really miss her. She is going to be completly out around the 15th. I've been riding with some buds and a brother in law. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown.

[Free]

Tommyo

keep your chin up. Great to have so much support from others on the site who have been through what you are going through.

hell, my second wife hasn't been born yet!!!

Free

[Seegarsmkr]

Tommy the unknown can be a very scary place...but it is also very exciting to experience new things...as all of your brothers have said, especially those who have been through this...it is a chance to have Tommy-time and reconnect with yourself.  It sounds like you were working so hard to be someone that you thought your wife wanted, to make it work, that you forgot what Tommy was like.  I think in time you will find that Tommy is a FKN awesome guy JUST for HIMSELF!!!  Stay strong brother glad you got some time with the buds who just like to share some of the things that we enjoy and so much need sometimes. 

Love ya and prayers are still pouring out...you are in my thoughts often.

Seegarz

[REGGAB]

Thanks again for all the great advice. SirMichael103 and I did a lot of ridin' this weekend. I did a little on my own at nite too. Need time to clear my head. My kid got invited to go camping with friends for the weekend. They thought it might be nice to get her away from our inviorment. She is having a blast. My wife didn't stay at the house this weekend because she thought it would be best for me not to see her much. She is probably right. I follow her around here like a lost puppy. I talk to her on the phone maybe 1-2 times a day just to check in about our arrangements and the dogs. I really miss her. She is going to be completly out around the 15th. I've been riding with some buds and a brother in law. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown.

Hey Tommy,  I know this may sound cruel...........but it is GREAT to see that you are grieving.  Like B B said, you gotta go through that.........and if you don't do it now, you WILL do it later.  So it is best to go ahead and get the sucky chit over and done with, so you can be Tommy again.  Rest assured we're here for ya, Bro...........and if you need to just get away from there for awhile, come on down to Alabama.  You can run down to Midland City with me to pick up the green bike when Red is done with it.  It'll be better than 300 miles of backroads to get back up here to the Huntsville area, so I can get her new engine broke in..........and by that time, the weather will be awesome down here.

Best to ya, Bro.

Henry

[rednectum]

yeah  tommy, yall come on down. we will throw a party in the dawghouse.

[REGGAB]

yeah  tommy, yall come on down. we will throw a party in the dawghouse.

The Dawghouse Saloon!  Having been within those hallowed walls, I must go there when there is a party.  Quite an awesome setup, Red.  We need to fire up that smoker, cook some pig, drink some swamp water, and have a good ol' down home raucous PARTY!!!

[Midnight Rider]

Tommy....Like others have said, give yourself some time to get to know who you are again.  We often define ourselves by things other than what we truly are inside....work, wife, children, what our family expectations may be, etc.  Often, the real you gets lost in the process.  You are losing part of your identity in this divorce, and that is being a husband and loving your wife.  You have to give yourself time to get accustomed to knowing yourself as a single man again, while maintaining your role as a good father.  Unfortunately, there is no way to hurry this process.  Force yourself to have as little contact as is possible with the soon to be ex....this will not be easy because of your daughter, but believe me, it will be best for you in the long run.  And you must think about what is best for you.  Don't give away the farm, property wise.  Do what you know is the right thing to do while protecting you and your future in the process.  Know that your ex will always be a part of your life, but you can define what part.

There are a LOT of nice women out there looking for a good, kind man.  There are also a lot of women out there looking for a meal ticket for them and their kids.  After some time passes and you are feeling a bit less hollow inside, start filling that void with a few dates.  Have a good time.  If you allow yourself the time to heal, you'll be ready for the next relationship in your life, but not before.  Everybody has baggage in their life...some people choose to carry only the negative bags and allow those to shape their outlook on life and others that may come into their lives.  The bags help define who we are, so carry away the positive, and leave the negative behind.  It may be hard to imagine now, but you WILL be happy again.  Nothing will ever be the SAME, but it can be BETTER.  Allow yourself to have some fun...