Rufus and Clarence
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There were two old men living in the backwoods of the Ozarks
.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each
other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence
would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at
each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim .... or I'd swim
this river and whup your behind!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ....
or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a
bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this
yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!!
Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge .... have a go at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's
behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank,
came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE
DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING
AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the
bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge .... walked halfway over
the bridge .... looked up ...."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ....
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that
big from the other side of the river" !!!
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