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[Texas Fat Boy]

When you get to be my age, you start to lose your patience with people.

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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This a'hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

[Rooster]

That's good stuff right there.

[D-N-D]

 

[Skillet]

Funny.

[TinSpinner]

Good stuff! 

[Tannehill Kid]

Some good ones