GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex.
Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Author
Topic: Men and women are not alike (Read 1223 times)