Don't hate the player, hate the game:
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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While away at a convention, a man happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the man walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
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Father: Son, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Son: Don't worry Pops, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
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So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
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A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You crazy bitch, you wrecked my life.' "
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After a couple’s first round of Horizontal Tango he said, “Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly”.
She said, “Well, you've succeeded”.
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.
But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
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A Short History of Medicine
I have a headache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
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Ever since Frank was a child, he’s always had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a shrink and told him. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
Frank said, 'I'll sleep on it'.
Six months later the doctor met Frank on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now and I sleep like a baby!!!'
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Topic: A Baker's Dozen of Old Jokes (Read 1296 times)