Think you can play the Blues?
These are the rules of the Blues….
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this mornin'…."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like. "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town".
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes…sort of "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound".
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch---ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League Institutions
d. Golf Courses
12. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You are older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
13. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
15. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
16. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
17. If death occurs in a cheap hotel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you at a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
18. Some Blues names for women are:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
19. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
20. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
21. Make your own Blues Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. Some type of citrus fruit (Lemon, Lime, Orange)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Orange Fillmore, etc.
22. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
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Topic: Playin' The Blues (Read 546 times)