TOOL DEFINITIONS:
DRILL PRESS:
A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts, and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'YEOWW.. '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for breaking off small diameter bits in the hole, or spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One out of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Usually break when used as a hammer.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you wanted to remove.
TABLE SAW:
A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing drywall and window glass integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use of either piece.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large persuader pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away, and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at General Motors, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl items, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for easily slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.
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Topic: Tools, defined (Read 487 times)