It was a quiet day in a rustic, rural cantina in the wilds of Alaska. The crowd was thick on this cold, dark evening with trappers, hunters and gold panners all around.
Suddenly, the front doors flew open and a man of heroic proportions burst into the bar. Texas-clad in a ten-gallon hat, chaps, cowboy boots and a leather vest, the new arrival -- already intoxicated on his own private stock -- bellowed, "My name is John Strong and I'm from Texas where all the real men come from!"
The bar fell silent and everyone turned to look at the giant, drunken cowboy. Instantly, the bartender responded.
"Really? Well, you're in Alaska and we have real men here in Alaska, too. In fact, we even have a test that you've got to pass to be a real man in Alaska."
The Texan turned to the bartender. "Is that so? Well, where do I go to take this test. I'll bet I can beat all o' you Alaskan sissies!"
A murmur rose from the patrons, but the bartender quickly quieted them with a finger to his lips and then continued. "You don't have to go anywhere. We can start the test right here!"
The stranger stumbled up to the bar, sat down on an barstool and challenged the bartender. "Allright, then! Tell me what I have to do to prove I'm a real man here in Alaska."
"There are three parts to the test," replied the bartender. "First, you've got to drink a fifth of whiskey without taking a breath."
"Chit! That ain't no problem," swore the Texan.
The barkeep countered, "Next, you've got to wrestle a Polar bear!"
"Aw, hell, I can do that in my sleep," the cowpoke boasted.
"Finally, you've got to make love to an Eskimo woman... all night long," finished the bartender.
"Now, you're talkin!" said the besotted stranger. "I hope she's up to the challenge!" Then, after a brief pause, he continued, "So, Mr. Bartender, bring me that fifth of whiskey!"
True to his word, the whiskey disappeared faster than anyone thought possible and the old boy seemed unfazed. Once done, he slid the empty liquor bottle across the bar to the proprietor.
"Now, where do I find a Polar bear?" he asked smugly.
"Just walk out the front door, my friend, and keep walking. You'll run across one before too long. They're everywhere out here at this time of year." The bartender smirked as he said it.
Seemingly unafraid, the cowboy got up, staggered out and disappeared into the frozen darkness, slamming the door behind him. As he left, he shouted over his shoulder, "I'll be back in just a little while..."
Afterwards, the revelers slowly returned to their usual bar-room activities -- a couple of games of poker, a fistfight over a bargirl and belching contest between two drunks at the bar. The night proceeded much as any other night in the bar, save the anticipation of the rude Texan's return which caused everyone to turn and look anytime the front door opened. Yet, by closing timne, the mountainous man had not returned. So, everyone headed home, scratching their heads and wondering what had become of the big, boisterous buffoon.
The next morning, the proprietor arrived at his usual time around 10am to prep for opening at 2pm. While washing shot glasses behind the bar, he heard the front door open slowly. He turned around and saw the fellow from the night before, battered, bruised, scratched, bleeding and almost naked. What was left of his clothing hung in tatters. The bartender spoke first.
"Well! Welcome back! We all gave up on you last night and figured the Polar bear had done you in! Glad to see you survived! Here, have a drink on the house... Do you need a doctor?... Let's get you upstairs where you can lie down while we wait on the doctor... What else can I do for you?... "
"Awwww, nawwww! I don't need no danged doctor," said the Texas sheepishly, "Just tell me this..."
"Where's that Eskimo woman I gotta wrassle?"
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Topic: Alaskan Test for Real Men (Read 975 times)