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[longlast]

                         For us that are of age (oldies)

WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

 

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers

 

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers

 

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it

 

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy

 

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up

 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

 

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg

 

*If you spend it on Amazon  your money will go Lichtenstein

 

*If you spend it on ebay  your money will go Ireland

 

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

 

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

 

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco

 

* If you spend it in your corner “Asian mini-mart” no tax will be paid, it will be used in drug deals and eventually will be conveyed to Pakistan in a large suitcase.

 

* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria

 

* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.

 

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

 

* If you buy a  luxury car it will go to India or Germany

 

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

 

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

 

1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on call girls

4. Buying cider, beer or scotch

5. Getting yourself a Tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

 

Conclusion:

 

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! It’s the patriotic thing to do.

 

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

 

[2k]

Well thought out and put together...........I need a gut laugh on a Sunday morn!!

In the US of A, our gov't gives it back to the big oil companies (mostly British). That way when they funnel it back to the politicians, it can't be traced!!!

[North Georgia Hawg]

LOL Pete!

But at the prices you chaps pay for petrol on your side of the pond, I don't understand how you can afford to drive or ride at all...

Ken

[longlast]

LOL Pete!

But at the prices you chaps pay for petrol on your side of the pond, I don't understand how you can afford to drive or ride at all...

Ken

It can be a juggling act Ken.
If your planing a trip,...save up for two/four/six months before hand.

[Skillet]

It's $6.86 a gallon here in Korea and on base $3.96. Not too cheap either way.