A wife said to her husband, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well in fact he woke up before the alarm went off. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
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"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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On their 30th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married".
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's thirty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."
(He never heard the shot.)
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Topic: 5 unrelated jokes (Read 2218 times)