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[BMQ]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he
wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He
must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top
Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry
about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn
too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to
Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
the book of Revolution.

[2k]

And there endth the story.

[Ironhorse]

I met Charleton Heston once back in the 90s.

He was sitting on a bench outside a medical center in Santa Monica waiting for a ride. He was accompanied by who I guess was his grand daughter.  When I recognized him I said "Sir, I have always enjoyed your movies". He smiled and replied "Thank you". I followed with, "And I don't care how many Oscars Titanic won, it can't compare to one grain of sand on the wheel of your chariot". He sat up, squared his shoulders and said as only Old Guns and Moses could, "Young man,....now days they will give that award to ANYONE. You just have to stand on the set holding a clip board and they'll give one of those statues".

As we went to shake hands, i quickly snatched mine away and said "Get your filthy paws of me you damn dirty ape".
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No,......I didn't do that. I couldn't do that to President Andrew Jackson, or Marc Anthony.

[spada84]

And there endth the story.

I can't figure out why it takes me so long to read your posts.

[D-N-D]