Well, I just came to the full realization, I mean, it has fully sunk into my thick skull.
I am a sicker man than I am willing to admit. I struggle in this fight against cancer and there seems to be a flip flop sort of thing involved with the facts of Doctor reports and denial. Between having times where I know I can take on the world and knowing that as I suck o2 I am also going to have a hard time just walking across the room.
Riding to Rolling Thunder DC gave me such a spark of life, sadly I can now see it was a pipe dream that my body is simply not going to allow me to do. I thought, wow, one more time, but,it seems that the last time was my last time. It hurts me to think I have let my best friend down with such a late notice to my backing out. It hurts me that I lead my wife to also think I could do it. It hurts me that I lead you guys think I was good with the ride and even hurts me that I followed the pipe dream.
I still will ride. Although the long distance rides that I enjoy most will be a thing of the past for me. I tried to work up to the DC ride by going on longer and longer loop type rides from home and I must say, I even surprised myself on the day rides. The next day, no so impressed with myself. I am dead beat the next day and can hardly walk. I'm afraid I'm nearing o2 dependency and after a very short walk I feel and must look like a fish out of water.
So the point for this post, I have had many great and good days, but I want to fully admit I have some days that are just hard for me to grasp the contrast between the good and the bad. I must have been putting on a good show, I nearly had myself convinced That I could do it. I just plain know that I still hurt on the good days and on the bad days I hurt a whole lot more. I now admit that I might get the first day in and not sure about the second, but I know I'd be down for the count on the third day. That just don't work when the miles to burn wont even be half done and at best there will be two long superslub days to get home. You've heard the saying, My Spirit is strong but my Flesh is weak! Well my spirit just took a nose dive and my flesh is weak and I hate that I can't fix it. Yet I know it's out of my hands. It just that if it were in my hands, I'd be doing things a little different.
Sorry I let you all down
Sam