Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel
was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation
of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the
splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum
can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close
to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q
at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for
the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They
eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu,
and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and
generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives
who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern
the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be
noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and
to more liberals just to piss them off.
Author
Topic: Liberals & Conservatives (Read 840 times)