Subject: Instructions for driving in B'ham
DRIVING IN BIRMINGHAM
First you must learn to pronounce the city's name. It's "Bur-min-ham."
Driving Information:
Burminham has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest
exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes
after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way
anytime.
To find anything in the city, it is required that you know where
Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two "cloverleaf formation" interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again -- Atlanta – making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.
The morning rush hour is from 6:00to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from
3:00 to7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term
"merging delays" is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in
passing, call into work and tell them that you will be at least 30minutes
late regardless of where you are in your commute.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)
rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female
drivers alike.
You must know that"I-459," "I-59," "I-20," and "I-65" are the same road.
They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think
this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after
the War of Northern Aggression.
Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before
you get on any of these highways to travel some where. If it is a race or
football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going any where else.
Construction is a permanent fixture in Burminham. The barrels are moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little
more interesting.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them over to the
shoulder immediately to let them know – you can be sure it was "accidentally
activated."
The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see above) is 85mph. Anything less
is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama's state-highway-sponsored
version of NASCAR-- especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone
in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane
and only going70 in a 55-65zone, you are considered a road hazard, and
will be "flipped a bird" accordingly.
Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying
make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady
speed of 85mph onI-65in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north
of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
Weather Information:
If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20
degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents
consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the roads
(frontways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be
the next target.
Seasonal Information:
If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
If you need to let the car "get some air" while standing next to it with
the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to
crank it and get the air going, It is Summer.
If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving55 mph, it is Fall.
If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.
General Information:
Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to
sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl
if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us Free Bird.
This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn't say "sold at
this event," but "present").
Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to
us anymore, and by now we're used to it.
If you ask someone for a "coke," they will often ask you, "What kind?" This
is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root
Beer, etc., it is all "coke."
All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or
have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .
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Topic: Rules for Driving in Birmingham (Read 878 times)