Try to read this without laughing til you cry!!!
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short
>
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
> adequate time to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
> arc of
>
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
> and
>
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than
>
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking
> at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> triple-A
> batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
> I'm
>
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, 'don't do it dipchit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
> such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
> give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs
> to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY CRAP . . .
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in
>
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to
> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
> note of
>
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
> yourself!
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
> by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
> considered conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
> the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
> where it originally was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I chit myself,
> but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw
> a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm
> still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
> their safe return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Author
Topic: Pocket Taser (Read 544 times)