Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes >up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Author
Topic: Texas Chili Cook-off (Read 1151 times)