HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do
not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30
feet! to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by
a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-us! ed bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. ! Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as other bathroom attendees.
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Topic: For all you office workers (Read 808 times)