Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Grey Ghost]

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered sixMcNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.  She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the  battery to this remote doorunlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid someBenadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!


  Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05.People no longer view you as a  hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Yourjoints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!


Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[GregKhougaz]

That was great. Thank you!

[D-N-D]

 

[grayghost731]

 

[cvobiker]

Many of these one liners intended to be jokes are sadly soo true...can you imagine kids today having to count out change if their cash registers  broke  

[CVOThunder]

 

[Ironhorse]

True story here.

I went to make reservations at a fine restaurant. I called and asked if I could reserve a table for a quarter to eight. The gal on the other end of the line said all they had open is seven-thirty, seven forty-five, and eight o'clock. She apologized that there was no quarter to eight available. I thanked her and said I would take the seven forty-five.

This is the product of a generation that has never learned to use an analog clock because everything in their world from phones, TV, microwaves, the clock on the bottom right of their computer screen, is all digital.

For my part, when I send text messages I use complete sentences with punctuation if possible. It drives my kids nuts, but that's me. And my kids know how to read an analog clock.

[Trapperdog]

When telling people we were riding to Alaska last year, two educated people asked us where we were going to get on the boat. "what" we asked. " Well you have to get on a boat at some point to get to Alaska" they said. Turns out they were both referencing maps of the U.S. that do not show Canada but instead show Alaska as an "Island". They had no idea and both had a college education.

[postal52]

  you can add ; Can no longer trust a fart !

[harleydave]

Those just brightened up my day, very funny.

[Eagle Eye]

BIG GRIN! 

[Screamin_Beagle]

About 10 years ago I worked with a company (high tech) that hired a young MSEE (from a good school) that was put in charge of a big project.  We were debugging a new system..........he had no idea how to read schematics nor use even a DMM (didn't know what an O-scope was and even more clueless about a spectrum analyzer).  He didn't last long.....

[cvobiker]

  you can add ; Can no longer trust a fart !

if anyone ever tells you they never ever Sharted themselves, then they never ever masturbated either