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[ultrarider123]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'  
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'  
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'  
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'  
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
 
Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'  
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'  
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'  
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
 
 
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'  
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'  
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'  
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'  
'It is!'  
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'  
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'  
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'  
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'  
'He will.'
 
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'  
Man: 'What sins?'  
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'  
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'  
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[D-N-D]

 

[muddypaws]

Good ones...

[Texas Fat Boy]

These are all on my favorites lists for jokes................

[longlast]

           

[Charlie]