Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
> >
> >>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> >>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
> >>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> >>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> >>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted."
> >
> >> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> >
> >> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
> >
> >>
> >
> >> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> >>Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain I had to wave off two
people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >>*****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting chit-faced
from all of the beer.
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the
> > beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> >>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> > needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off.
> >
> >>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> >screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > garlic. Superb.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I chit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
> snow cone.
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
> >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
> >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> >>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> >4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >> *****************************************************
> >
> >>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> >>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
> >
Author
Topic: Chili Cook Off (Read 745 times)