Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
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One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
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When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. To the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.
Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
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"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
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A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
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Topic: 5 religous jokes (Read 1204 times)